


Only the Mountains Keep Secrets

by jaerie



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Brokeback Mountain AU, Cowboy Hats, Hand Jobs, Herders, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Mountains, NaNoWriMo, Sheep, Sibling Incest, Tent Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-25 21:32:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: A Brokeback Mountain AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TragicLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/gifts).



> I wrote this fast and furiously and, full disclosure, did not edit any of it. So just read over the mistakes and pretend like they aren't there.  
> This is also my first Hanfic since 2013 and am a little nervous posting it. It's been so long but I was inspired by mountain man Taylor's beardy look right now (that I am so incredibly into. fight me, I don't care, I'm really really into it.)  
> Part two to come soon!

* * *

 

 

The summers were long and the winters were even longer with the only company a herd of sheep and two dogs to keep them in line.  The vast stretch wilderness stretching out around him was just as healing as it was unforgiving, but in a way that was uncontrollable unlike the pieces of Taylor’s life that he left behind without a second thought.  

His horse was solid and grounding between his thighs, his boots molded like gloves to his feet and his Stetson atop his head an extension of himself.  The ever-present wheat stem was hanging out of his mouth, his jaw chewing at the farmer’s gum of gluten he squeezed between his teeth. His silhouette would look majestic to any onlooker who didn’t know his story, didn’t know why he retreated to the mountain year after year, season after season.  

The evening air carried the chill of mid-spring and his threadbare shirt did little to shield him from it.  It wasn’t yet unbearable and not worth cutting his count short to head back for his wool lined jacket. He counted off once Bo and Bess had circled the herd and then made the loop himself at a gentle trot and watched the treeline for any trace of coyote, wolves or bears that might be roaming the area.  

Satisfied that the coast seemed clear, he turned back towards camp and let his mare loose on the reins when the terrain allowed for it.  

The routine was steady and consistent, everything his life back home would never be.  None of the animals cared about the thoughts and urges that went through his head and he had no one to answer to when he returned to camp.  It was the best case scenario for where he could have ended up and he became more settled with his decision as time moved on. 

A tin of beans and some bitter, watered down coffee warmed over Taylor’s small fire while he kicked back and let the sounds of nature surround him.  The eerie hoot of a nearby owl echoed through the trees and the drone of insects filled in the gaps. The fire crackled and the leaves rustled in the breeze, but none of it could drown out the thoughts that plagued him every night once he was truly alone.  

He knew that something wasn’t right in his head.  It wasn’t something that he oblivious to. Something had misfired along the way and rewired his brain to have sinful thoughts and urges that he’d never been able to control.  He’d tried so many things to cure himself, to rid himself of the obscene thoughts. In the end, leaving was the only option he had left. 

As far as he knew, he had been born impure.  He couldn’t pinpoint a specific time when his thoughts had become perverse, it had just happened.  Their family had never had much and forced them all to live in close quarters, him and his brother Zac especially.  

The two of them shared a straw filled mattress in the small loft of their shack of a home.  Just two years apart, they were the only children left to lean on each other when times were tough.  And they always were when their father drank away what little money he brought in and that was somehow always their mother’s fault.  

Taylor shook the image out of his head before it became too deep and stroked the beard he had no reason to shave.  It had been helpful before the days had become tolerable and still kept an extra layer when the nip was still in the air at night.  

He ate his tin of beans directly out of the can and sipped at the weak coffee while he stared up at the stars that were so bright through the clear mountain air.  He’d never learned the constellations so he made up his own, holding up his hand to trace the patterns with his index finger and naming each like he was the first to ever see them.  In his world with no one to fact check, he was. 

Not long after, he crawled into his tent and shimmied out of the jeans that had become like a second layer of skin.  They had formed to his body and his riding style so well that he wasn’t sure he would be able to replace them once they wore through.  Down to his under clothing, he hung his hat up on the little hook he’d fashioned and tied the tent flaps closed with loose bows that would be easy to pull free in a hurry if needed.  

Exhaustion set in his bones but his thoughts still raced behind his closed lids.  With no relief in sight, he allowed himself to wander to the vault of memories he only allowed himself to visit once in a blue moon.  

Zac had always been the smarter one.  He caught on easily and put pieces together faster than anyone Taylor had ever known.  It was nearly impossible to keep a secret from his younger brother, his tells too obvious his brother too sharp.  Because of that, Zac had always been on his level. They were more like twins than anything else and Taylor rarely saw him as a kid even when he still was.  

He’d thought Zac was asleep the first night he’d been caught.  It hadn’t been long since he’d discovered that it felt good to touch himself and had his hand down his shorts as soon as Zac’s unnatural snoring rose up from his prone form.  It was still so new and felt so good that he hadn’t noticed the absence of sound until the voice startled him. 

“What are you doing?” Zac had asked, folding the blanket back to stare at the tent in his shorts.  

“Nothing.  Go back to sleep.”  

Taylor had tried to brush it off, tried to play it cool, but Zac always saw right through him.  

“It just feels good, alright?” he finally huffed and squeezed his eyes shut to block out his brother while he continued.  

“I want to see,” Zac insisted stubbornly by his side and grabbed a fistful of fabric to yank down his shorts.  

“Zac!” he exclaimed but paused at the look of awe on his brother’s face.  

“It got big,” Zac said softly and lifted hand towards where Taylor’s still gripped his shaft.  

_ Touch it, please touch it, _ his mind begged but he knew it was just the demon taunting him into committing the worst of sins.  

But Zac did.  He reached out and touched the damp tip and Taylor came all over himself just from that.  

“Nifty,” Zac had simply said before laying back down and snuggling into his pillow.  The snores started within seconds and Taylor was left reeling in guilt and shame while the demons danced in hell.  

By the time several years had passed, it had become a thing between them.  They touched each other and got each other off nearly every night after they’d climbed the ladder to the loft.  Sometimes, if the opportunity presented itself, they’d sneak away when one of them really needed it during the day but often times that was too risky. 

In his tent alone on a mountain, Taylor let himself remember how his brother’s hands had felt on him.  Such a rugged and adventurous child, Zac’s hands were always calloused and a bit rough. His mind had glossed over how he’d complained when they felt like sandpaper against his dick and turned it into an erotic memory that was uniquely Zac.  He longed for those hands to be on his body again and grunted into the darkness when he gripped himself harder to try to mimic the feeling. 

It didn’t quite have the effect he was searching for but eventually it got the job done.  He wiped away the evidence with a handkerchief he kept tucked in the fold of the tent and then tried for sleep again.  This time it finally came and he gave into it easily. 

 

///

 

Dawn came too early and Taylor mounted his horse and rode up to the ridge for a check before breakfast.  The frost on the grass was crisp and crunched under feet and hooves and reminded him that he was far from home.  The bulk of the flock was still bedded down with Bo and Bess standing faithful guard so he headed back to camp to put together a decent meal.  

He was nearly back when he spotted a rider coming across the clearing on a course that would take him directly through his camp.  He couldn’t afford for anything to be looted from his site this season. He already would need new shirts before winter and better sleeping gear if he could manage a bit of profit.  That wouldn’t happen if he had to replace a rifle or any rations mid-season. 

Wide, square shoulders and narrow hips were so familiar on the figure riding towards him and a red flash anger caused him to kick into his horse a little too far.  The anger was at himself for even allowing his eyes to make that connection when it would never be the body he really found familiar. It was enough for him to push his ride hard over the raough ground even with the danger of slipping a hoof on the rock.  He never had been the greatest at controlling his impulsive thoughts. 

He rode up to an empty camp and had just swung himself out of the saddle when the brown and white paint appeared over the hill and trotted towards him.  It had only covered a few more feet of ground before Taylor froze with the leather reigns gripped tightly in his hands. 

“What are you doing here?” Taylor asked with a cold tone that came out as a warning.  

Taylor was surely in shock, the mirage in front of him set to disappear as soon as he blinked against the morning sun that was already making his eyes water.  

Zac, his brother, the man he had grown to be was straddled atop the paint that shook out its mane and took a few steps back after such an abrupt stop.  He’d filled out in the years since Taylor had seen him, thick muscles stretching the sleeves of his shirt taut and chest broad proud with such straight posture.  

“I was in the neighborhood,” Zac answered with a straight face.  Taylor could do nothing for a moment but stare at this ghost from his former life and cause of the mess he’d made the night before that the evidence of was still wadded up in the tent.  

“Sent up to give you a hand,” Zac finally admitted when Taylor hadn’t made a move to speak.  He seemed reluctant to swing down off his horse while Taylor was staring at him with what he assumed was a expression of disdain.  He’d never been able to control that either. 

“I work alone.  How did you find me.”  

“I asked around.  Been asking around for years, actually.”  

His brother seemed nervous and hesitant when he had always been so confident and sure, plowing headfirst into every situation without pausing to worry about the outcome.  It made Taylor uncomfortable to be the cause. 

“So you found me, now what do you want.”  

Zac’s face fell even further for just second before he schooled his features and tightened his grip on the reins.   

“Just as I said, to give you a hand.  Bobcats have been an issue a ways down the range so I got me a job as lookout.”  

“Cutting into my pay, then.”  Taylor’s face remained stoney.  

“I, um– I don’t need the money.”  

But Taylor could tell that it was a lie at least on some level.  The clean shaven man in front of him wasn’t dressed like any other wrangler around those parts.  His boots were too shiny, shirt to crisp and clean beneath the open jacket that looked fresh off the rack.  They weren’t the hand-me-downs salvaged at the end of the season like many of his own. Maybe having money meant  _ had _ money after such a shopping spree.  

“Get down, you’re making Ava nervous.”  He patted his mare on the flank and walked her over to the small tree he usually tied her to for the brief time he’d be back at camp.  No reason to untack her when they’d set out again shortly. 

Taylor went about his routine, stirring up the fire and putting on some water for coffee as if he were still the only one at camp.  

“Brought up some supplies,” Zac spoke from behind him.  Taylor just gave one nod of acknowledgement. 

The silence stretched between them until the water was at a near bowl.  

“I only got one cup so I hope you packed one in with your supplies.”  He took off his Stetson and ran his fingers through his hair that had grown long over the winter.  He should have went for a trim while he was in town. 

There was some rustling around and then a second tin cup appeared next to his own, waiting to be filled.  It was just as weak and bitter as it was every morning but it wasn’t just the coffee that left the sour taste in his mouth.  He wasn’t sure what this was and hoped Zac’s presence would be short lived. Starting a new life hadn’t been easy and idea of starting over yet again seemed like a mountain too treacherous to climb.  

“Bank took the house,” Zac said like he couldn’t take the silence Taylor had grown accustomed to.  He always had been the loud one. 

Taylor just gave a small nod in response and focused on the flickering flames that licked at the sole of his boot and warmed his chilled feet.  

“Better get back up there to take the herd down the mountain.”  Taylor got up and nodded towards the closest peak on his way to his mount.  He untied the mare and swung himself up into the saddle. “I’ll be back mid-day.  You can have lunch ready by then. Anything but beans.” 

With that he tapped his heel into the horse’s side and clicked his tongue, heading back up to lead the sheep to graze.  

His mind wasn’t as clear as he’d pretended it was, the vice letting up around his chest to allow the ache to flood his body.  A sob finally ripped free once he was out of earshot and he had to pull them to a stop while his vision blurred and his breakfast threatened to make a reappearance.  

It had been four long years since he’d last seen his brother and was not prepared for the emotional wildfire that burned through every inch of his body.  The last expression he had seen on his brother’s face, the hurt and confusion, it was all he could see when he had looked up at the familiar man. His heart ripped open with the memory and threatened to leave him to bleed out if he didn’t shut it all away yet again.  

He had been a poison, an ungodly influence, a parasite sucking the innocence and morals straight from Zac’s soul when he knew their actions were wrong.  How could he have stayed behind knowing that a better life awaited the most important person in his life if only he wasn’t standing in the way? 

Four years Taylor had spent convincing himself that it had been the best decision, that Zac was back home living the life that had been intended for him from the beginning.  His presence now ripped that small peace of mind from Taylor like flesh from bone and the infection began to fester. How could he return to camp knowing that the evil still resided in his veins?  

It was difficult to convince himself to return to came once the sun way directly overhead.  His stomach eventually made the decision and he reluctantly headed back to camp. 

Zac was in a squat by the fire when he came into the clearing, glancing up only at the sound of hooves on rock and the snuffling of Ava as they came to a halt.  There was meat in the skillet, he could smell it straight away and his mouth watered. It had been a while since he’d had fresh supplies. 

He swung down and secured the reins before he set about untacking his horse to give her a break.  She was a good horse, not quick to startle and steady as he rode. He patted her flank and made sure her bucket was full of fresh water– anything to procrastinate the awkward exchange that was sure to happen once he returned to the fire.  

“Tucked some steaks away to bring up,” Zac said, not looking up as he poked at the slabs of meat in the skillet.  

“Been a while since I’ve had some meat that wasn’t dried.”  

Taylor sat on one of the larger rocks that had been pushed up to the fire.  He pulled his boots off and then his socks, laying them out on the rock beside him to dry out before his trip back up the mountain.  All his clothing was well overdue for a wash in the stream. It had never mattered much when he was on his own but could feel the grime that had built up once he was under someone’s judgement.  

Zac plopped the slightly scorched steak and a whole potato with his knife stuck through it onto his tin plate and passed it over.  They both ate in silence with only the backdrop of the babbling brook and the chatter of birds to break it. 

After they ate, Taylor leaned back and tipped his hat forward to shield his eyes from the sun for a quick catnap.  He could her the clang as Zac took their plates down to the stream to wash them off and pushed the situation to the back of his mind.

When he went to tack up Ava, Zac spoke up.  

“I can take a turn up there.”  

He looked hopeful when Taylor turned, but he wasn’t ready to be left with his thoughts at camp.  

“I’ve got it.  Dinner just before dark.”  

He saddled up and then rode off without another glance.  

 

///

 

Taylor could see the glow of the fire from some distance and had to admit that it was nice to come back to one already prepared instead of a cold dark pile of wood.  

He trotted in then stripped the horse down for the night before he came to the fire.  They ate in silence again and then sat around puffing on cigarettes until it was time to retire.  

“Where’s your tent?” Taylor asked when Zac just pulled out a worn blanket and headed towards the fire.  

“Didn’t bring one.  Seemed warm enough without it.”  

“Fool.  You’ll freeze your balls off once the fire dies down,” Taylor rolled his eyes and continued to his own shelter without another glance.  

The moon brought with it another chilled night, just as expected.  It was only a few restless hours before he could hear Zac shaking and muttering outside with the sudden temperature drop Taylor was used to.  

“Would you quit your chattering and just get in the tent?”  Taylor finally called out once he could no longer stand it. It took a few moments before Zac appeared at the entrance, yanking his blanket along after him as he crawled inside.  Nothing was said as they shifted around in the small space and eventually, they both nodded off. 

 

///

 

Their routine continued like that until all of the mounting tension finally reached a boiling point.  

A storm rolled through bringing with it torrential downpours, hail and lightning which prevented Taylor from heading up the mountain.  Confined to the tent, the ever present silence between them became suffocating until Taylor was about to brave the storm. 

“Is this how it’s going to be?” Zac finally asked after a loud crack of thunder.  “You take off with some weak excuse and then that’s it? You don’t even have the courage to speak to me?”  

“The fuck do you know about it,” Taylor bit out, folding up his pocket knife he’d been whittling at a piece of wood with.  

“Exactly, Taylor!  I  _ don’t _ know!  You up and left out of the blue while I stayed behind to pick up the pieces!  We were going to make it out of there together, we were going to make something of ourselves without that shit hole holding us back. We were a team and you ditched me.  For what? For this?” 

Zac threw his arms out and gestured to their surroundings but Taylor knew what he meant.  The tent was worse than the conditions they’d lived in back at home. There wasn’t even a toilet or a bath where they were, no running water or even food for a proper meal.  The only difference was that this lifestyle had been Taylor’s choice. It was in his own hands. 

“I wasn’t good for you,” Taylor gritted out while Zac’s chest still rose and fell swiftly with anger.  “This thing that’s fucked up my head? It wasn’t good for you. You deserved better than that.”

“Better than  _ what? _  Better than a life with someone I loved?  Better than all the plans we made? Better than us?”  Zac was getting louder and it was all too big for the little one-man tent.  

“We’re  _ brothers _ , Zac.  Have you never realized how fucked up that is?  I was older, I was the one who made you that way and none of it was fair to you.”  

His voice cracked halfway through and the dam of his emotions started to crack as he stared at Zac’s heartbroken expression.  Zac was supposed to move on without him, forget he ever had a brother, live a life without the fear that someone would find out, without the constant knowledge that the fires of hell were waiting for him with a VIP pass.  

“I was just as much a part of it as you were!  I even made the first move! Most of them!” Zac nearly screamed at him, face growing red and splotchy with anger.  “I know it’s not how it’s supposed to be but it happened! We were in love! I thought it mutual! Tell me it’s not and I’ll leave this mountain right now.”  

Zac was breathing heavy as he stared across at Taylor.  It was the truth. They had been in love, it had been mutual, they could have conquered the world together.  The words of denial caught in his throat and threatened to choke him out if he voiced such lies. 

“That’s what I thought.” Zac huffed when Taylor remained silent.  

“You don’t understand!  I couldn’t let myself corrupt you more than I already had!” Taylor protested weakly. 

“Fuck you.  Fuck you and your selfish bullshit that left me alone back there with them.  No support, no money, nothing. You took our savings and made a new life for yourself without a sparing any thought for me.”  

“You think it was easy to leave you behind?  You think it didn’t tear me apart to walk away to give you a better chance?  You think my life is so fucking fantastic?”

“Don’t talk to me about being torn apart when you were the one that did it!”  

The tension finally snapped when Zac lunged forward and knocked Taylor back hard.  The blankets bunched up and a pole of the tent fell as the wrestled with all their strength.  It was nothing like the play fights they’d had as young boys, both full grown men with full grown aggression holding nothing back.

Zac gained the upper hand and threw a punch that hit Taylor square on the jaw.  The angle wasn’t right for the blow to hit at full power, but it stirred Taylor’s fury.  The power struggle switched back and forth until Zac had straddled Taylor’s hips with a fist full of sandy blonde hair clenched in his fist.  

They were both breathing heavily and without knowing who made the first move, they came together in a crashing kiss that painfully bumped noses and clashed teeth.  There was nothing delicate about it as they continued the fight with their mouths, sloppy tongues and biting lips.

Taylor was the first to moan as their hips ground together, erections concealed beneath thick denim.  

It was all heavy breaths from there until their clothes were ripped off and Zac’s rough hands circled them both together and jerked desperately.  

They both came and collapsed onto the mess they’d made of the tent, one end sagging down close to their faces where the pole had been knocked out.  

“Fuck,” Zac breathed once the energy had started to dissipate.  It was about the only description Taylor could come up with as well.  

They both stared up at the sagging material of the tent that moved as the rain still fell around them long enough that they became chilled.  Taylor reached for one of the blankets and pulled it over their bodies. 

They eventually fell asleep and when dawn broke, Taylor dressed and slipped out of the tent while Zac’s snores still echoed around the clearing.  

His count was off once Taylor reached the sheep and spent most of the day rounding up the strays that had been separated during the storm.  It still wasn’t all of them and he hoped the rest would eventually find their way back on their own if they were still out there. 

It was nearly dark when he finally made it back to camp and linged just far enough out while he gathered his courage to face Zac for the first time after what had happened between them.  

He didn’t see him where he normally sat by the fire and it puzzled him for a moment until he caught sight of movement closer to the tent.  Zac was stripped down and squatting near a bucket of water giving himself a cowboy bath. Taylor’s eyes followed the curve of his spine over the pale skin that had yet to see enough sun to tan as it so easily did.  Taylor had his own version of a farmer’s tan and was sure the rest of his body would rival a ghost if the comparison was made. But Zac had always easily turned a golden brown with even a light kiss of the sun and the absence of colour was noticeable.  

“Any hot water left?” Taylor asked as he threw the reins over a branch.  Zac rose without shame and gestured to the bucket, hair still damp around the edges where the water had splashed.  

“Still warm,” he confirmed and grabbed another rag to pat himself dry.  

It was too tempting to pass up with the creek still too chilled to take a dip this time of year.  He lifted his Stetson off and hung it on one corner of the tent and left his boots side by side beneath it.  He could feel the heavy weight of Zac’s eyes on him as he unbuttoned his shirt and then his belt buckle until all his clothing was left in a neat pile.  

He tried to ignore the fact that Zac still hadn’t moved from where he stood, even as Taylor wet the cloth and scrubbed at the crevasses of his body.  

“Take a picture, why don’t ya,” Taylor muttered as he scrubbed out his beard 

“Don’t need to when the real thing’s right there,” Zac shrugged.  

Taylor glanced up at him and then did a double take when he saw Zac’s did standing at attention right at his eye level where he crouched at the bucket.  

“The view’s free,” Zac smirked at him and placed his hands on his hips in a proud display of his body.  

“Better take care of that before a bird lands on it,” he muttered and went back to the task at hand and felt much better once the bulk of sweat and grime had been washed away.  

“Or you could take care of it for me.”  

Taylor looked up to Zac’s hand slowly stroking himself just feet away from his face and swallowed hard around the lump that had risen in his throat.  

He wanted to take care of it, he really did, and his mouth watered with the thought.  I had been far too long since he’d had Zac in his mouth and he was so much thicker than he had remembered.  He wondered what the weight would feel like on his tongue, if he’d taste the same. He wondered if his body would still respond to the same things it had years earlier or if his preferences had changed.  

Taylor had unconsciously crawled forward on his knee while he salivated over his fantasies, not even feeling the scrape of the rough ground.  It was right there, just inches from his waiting mouth and he didn’t want to stop himself from indulging. Zac really had been the instigator in so many things and whining for his mouth had always been one of the things at the top of the list.  

With a quick glance up, he leaned forward, tongue slipping out to lick his slit and test his theory.  Zac keened and closed his eyes, his hips pushed forward while he still gripped the base as if ready to feed it into Taylor’s mouth himself.  In normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have minded. 

But he needed to have some control of the situation as he gave himself permission to part his lips and take the head into his mouth.  It was a flashback moment when Zac moaned from the same flick and swirl of Taylor’s tongue and it spurred him on to sink down further.  Part of him still wondered if this was some type of isolation fever dream but it was a good one if it was. 

Zac’s fingers found his hair and gripped it as he thrust forward towards Taylor’s face.  He didn’t even mind when it caused him to sputter and quickly found the rhythm again with ease.  

Their audience of wildlife continued with their business around them, paying no attention to the two brothers who had always been a little too close.  Zac came against the back of his throat and Taylor followed shortly after with his mess disappearing into the sparse mountain grass. 

Taylor sat back on his heels and looked up, staring at each other with so many unspoken words.  

“Felt different with this,” Zac’s fingers came up to to touch his beard along his jaw, a crooked smirk lazily curving his lips.  His thumb brushed over his lips as he cupped Taylor’s chin, the hairs tickling his face with someone else touching them. 

“Not bad I hope.”  Taylor smiled hesitantly and then full when Zac shook his head.  

“Just different.  Made it real when all of my memories of it had started to bleed together.  It looks good on you. Very rugged and manly.” 

Zac smirked and Taylor swatted his bare thigh, always brothers first and foremost.  

“At least I can grow one unlike this patchy mess.”  

He rose to his feet and patted Zac on the cheek before walking off to find his cleanest change of clothes.  With only a couple to choose from, his standards weren’t very high. 

They carried on with their supper like any other night but when they crawled into the tent, the space between them was much smaller. 

 

///

 

By the time another week had passed, a new routine had developed between them.  They took turns riding up to the ridge once Zac had been shown the way which was nice since Taylor was the more creative cook with their limited supplies.  They kept their conversation light without mentioning much from their past and passed cigarettes and the bottle of whiskey back and forth between them when the air grew nippy.  

The most significant change to their routine involved less clothing and stolen moments with only the open mountain air as their witness.  They made use of hands and mouths in more creative ways when they were back at camp and spent less time tending to the sheep they were hired to protect.  

It was easy for Taylor to forget why he had left for this life in the first place when there were no judgmental eyes to remind him of his flaws.  There always would be, though. Whenever the left the mountain, they would always be there waiting to catch them off guard. Taylor carried that with him when he was up with the sheep alone.  He looked out over the grazing herd and knew they had an expiration date. 

“This thing between us,” Taylor started one night while they passed the bottle back and forth.  They were getting down to the dregs and he hoped it would last until their next delivery since they were never predictable.  “Is only until the end of the season.” 

He avoided Zac’s eyes and stared at the flames in the darkness.  Zac had always been stubborn when it came to the things he wanted and Taylor could already predict his behaviour.  Still, it had to be said. 

“That’s all I am to you?  Something to pass the season?”  

There it was.  The bait for a fight and most of the time, Taylor would take it.  He was tired, though, worn out. There were parts of his soul that had wilted in the past four years, some that would never be resurrected.   

“You know it’s not like that,” he answered steadily, his voice kept low and even.  

“So you’re just going to leave again?  Just like that? Disappear for another handful of years and leave me to search you out?  Fuck that, Taylor. I’m not doing this again.” 

“You know what it’s like down there,” he gestured towards the path down the mountain, eyes still focused on the flames.  “It isn’t right. It isn’t safe.” 

“The whole world is out there, thousands of places where nobody knows us.  We’ve got nothing to lose, nothing tying us down. We could go anywhere! We could find a ranch somewhere and start up a small operation.  We could live the life we always talked about!” 

“This is my life now,” Taylor responded evenly which took more effort than he was willing to admit.   

Zac shoved his feet into his boots and stomped off towards where they kept the horses.  Taylor let him throw his tantrum until it was clear that he hadn’t just gone off for some space.  He turned to look and saw him saddling up his horse even with night already upon them. The moon was bright enough that he could easily see across the clearing and sat up to see more clearly.  

“What are you doing?” he called over with exasperation.  

“Spending the night with the sheep.  Don’t come looking for me.” 

Zac huffed and swung his leg over the saddle.  He kicked into the paint’s side and they were off before Taylor could say another word, left in the dust of a fit that he had caused.  

 

///

 

When Zac returned the following morning, they didn’t speak of their arguments and carried on like it had never happened after the first awkward day of loaded silence.  And so the summer continued in much the same way as the week before had and, before they knew it, September was closing in and their last day on the mountain could come at any time.  

They grew restless as it approached but both refused to acknowledge it.  The frost was thicker each morning when they crawled from the tent and their jackets became a more permanent presence, even when they were around the fire.  Conversations grew sparse and even the herd seemed agitated and on edge. 

The first day they woke up to snow, it wasn’t just the light dusting Taylor had anticipated.  Inches had piled up while they slept and weighted the fabric of the tent enough to sag. It was dangerous to take the horses up such a steep slope covered by powder and Taylor laid back to think through their options.  

It wasn’t the same as it would be on his own.  It was possible they could get away with leaving Bo and Bess to mind the sheep for the day, they likely wouldn’t stray far in the current conditions, anyway.  Not until it stopped or the sun came out to warm the ground enough for it to melt. Snowfall rarely stuck around long until well into fall. 

Taylor faced the chill and crawled forward to peek out and survey the camp site.  

“S’cold,” Zac grumbled, half asleep and snuggling further into their blankets. 

“Snowed last night,” Taylor mumbled quietly as he crawled back into place.  He couldn’t resist the temptation to get closer to Zac’s warmth. He’d always been a furnace which was unbearable in the summer heat but welcome when the temperature dropped.  

Still unclothed from their nightly activities, Taylor lifted the covers to blanket himself over Zac’s naked back.  He snuggled his cheek between his shoulder blades and smiled when Zac grunted at the weight pressing him down into the hard ground.  

“G’off me ya ooff,” Zac mumbled into his elbow and bucked his hips back in an attempt to push to the side.  

It had the opposite effect, their bodies shifting together like two pieces of a puzzle.  Taylor’s dick perked in interest where it had nestled between Zac’s cheeks and he rolled his hips to make his new intention clear.  Zac groaned and pushed back to meet the motion, no longer fighting to buck him off. 

He felt around for the cooking oil he’d stashed for their more creative activities and finally located it pushed into the corner.  It was cold, chilled by the snow mere inches away, and he rolled it between his hands for a few seconds to at least attempt to warm it up.  He grew impatient quickly and lifted himself just enough to drizzle some along Zac’s crack. Zac hissed and flinched at the shock but relaxed as soon as Taylor draped himself over his back once again.  

Taylor was hard now and the line of his dick fit perfectly where the oil had settled, trapped against his own stomach and the body below.  The slide was smooth when he resumed the roll of his hips, cock sliding up and down in an imitation fuck.

They were both moaning when a enthusiastic thrust caused the head of his dick to catch on Zac’s rim.  They both hissed with the unexpected hiccup and paused their motion. 

The idea had been planted, though, and Taylor prodded again with the blunt head.  They’d never done that before, never pushed each other that far, but it was suddenly all Taylor could think about.  He gave an experimental push and was met with no resistance from the man beneath him. 

Zac’s body was tight.  So tight that Taylor had to use the weight of his body to force even the head of his dick through the muscle.  Zac swore against his arm and his body tensed but he didn’t attempt to pull away. It was easier to sink the rest of his dick in with the slide of the oil and did so slowly until his hips were flush and there was nowhere else to go.  

“Jesus fucking christ,” Zac swore and writhed around while his body struggled to get used to the intrusion.  He eventually settled and angled his hips to make it easier for them both. Taylor wasn’t going to last with the tight grip around his cock and the fact that the body belonged to the one person who appeared in every fantasy he’d ever had.  

He pulled his hips back and then thrust forward, his rhythm rough and dirty and fueled entirely by the feel of their bodies so intimately connected.  He came quick and hard and collapsed over Zac out of breath and clammy as the sheen of sweat on his skin chilled with the air around them. 

Zac slid a hand down to pull himself off and they laid there until it became uncomfortable and Taylor had to pull out.  He flopped onto his back and turned his head to meet Zac’s eyes that were red and still a bit watery. 

“Fuck,” he muttered and moved closer but Zac quickly reached out to caress his cheek in assurance.  

“No, I’m fine.  Promise.” His voice cracked but everything else sounded sincere and truthful.  

 

///

 

The next day brought with it another dusting of snow and Taylor knew their time on the mountain had come to an end.  He was up and packing up camp long before Zac began to stir and had the saddle packs secured and mostly loaded by the time he did.  

“We’ll need to head up soon to get the herd down the mountain by nightfall,” Taylor said as he tightened one of the pack straps.  

Zac looked a bit disoriented but nodded and turned to the task of packing up the tent and bedding.  The small winces and twitches of pain didn’t go unnoticed as Zac moved around and an empty pit began to open at the bottom of Taylor’s stomach knowing that the end had come.

Removing his Stetson, Taylor combed his fingers through his hair before returning it to its place.  It had become an extension of his body over the past few years and it made him feel naked and vulnerable when he didn’t have it around.  He wondered how long it would take to get used to its absence if he were to choose to stop wearing it. Days? Weeks? Months? 

If he didn’t know how long it would take to get over a hat, he had no idea how he was supposed to get over Zac after finally having him in so many ways.  

His mind was elsewhere as the climb up proved longer with their horses weighted down and he lost count of the sheep an embarrassing amount of times until a rough estimate was all he could hand over once they had finally reached the pens set up at the bottom of the valley.  

Zac went off to settle his pay with the foreman once the last of the sheep were fenced in.  Taylor watched him go and knew it was time to take his leave. Spurring his horse, he rode off in the opposite direction, his truck and trailer waiting for his quiet escape.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for coming with me on this journey. i hope you've enjoyed it :)

* * *

 

 

 

The old truck rattled and threatened to fall apart over the unforgiving gravel road that led him far from town, but it had always powered through for him so far.  The single horse trailer wasn’t in a much better state as it bounced along behind in a cloud of white dust. 

The rancher he worked for didn’t run a small operation.  His land spread out for miles and employed enough hands that Taylor could never keep track of them.  It wasn’t like he tried, anyway. The less people he knew, the less people knew him. There were a few he knew by sight and even a few by name, mostly the others that lived in the little makeshift town made up of anything from trailers to tents.  

The dry grass crunched under his tires as he pulled up to his own little home.  It wasn’t much– an old camper trailer with a couch that doubled as a bed, a closet of a bathroom and a kitchen sink.  It was all that Taylor needed for the few short weeks he spent there between seasons. Anything felt like luxury after spending his nights on the hard rocky ground at one of his campsites up the mountain. 

It felt different this time.  

It had always just been a place to sleep and drink a few beers yet, when he first swung open the door and stepped inside, it was the last place he wanted to be.  The layer of dust over the untouched surfaces that had gathered over the summer caused his lip to curl in a disgust he never felt anymore. Living most of his time with animals and limited access to showers, those details had ceased to bother him as the years passed.  The smell of lanolin always clung to his skin even when it was clean and his clothes always had a stiffness that came with layers of grim that never fully washed away. It was just a way of life he’d learned to deal with.

Then like blurry vision cleared with glasses, he saw the trailer with new eyes and hesitated to take another step.  He never left much behind lest someone choose to squat over the summer and those things he did have were second or even third or fourth hand items.  They had never bothered him before but now made his situation glaringly obvious. It had just been him for so long. He was the only one he’d had to answer to and that solidarity had kept his life simple.  

Something had changed in him– or maybe reverted– and his mismatched cutlery and chipped plates didn’t seem good enough anymore.  It all embarrassed him even without an audience. 

He turned around and headed back towards the trailer to tend to Ava before he lost light.  The sun was already low on the horizon and he couldn’t keep her in the trailer that long. She technically wasn’t his horse but rather the one the ranch had assigned to him.  He took good care of her either way. She’d been with him since he’d taken the job that first summer when he had no clue what he was getting himself into. She stayed steady when they once came up on a bear and hadn’t thrown him for anything.  

He took his time brushing her out and picked off the burs that had tangled her tail on the way down the mountain.  She nudged him happily and he patted her velvet nose before he turned her out into the pasture behind the trailer. It was still all ranch property and several other horses were across the way grazing after their own hard day’s work.  

With no other excuse to stay outdoors, Taylor trudged back to the trailer and made his way inside.  The gravel road and poor construction didn’t help the dust that flew when he let the door slam closed behind him.  It lifted and swirled in the dim light and tickled his nose enough to make him sneeze. 

He shrugged off his jacket and hung it over the back of the one chair he had at his small built-in table.  Twisting the knobs on the kitchen sink, he waited for it to run warm to make sure the water heater hadn’t gone out.  Thankfully it hadn’t. With his boots side by side at the door, he peeled off the rest of his clothes and leaned in to turn on the small shower that was barely wide or tall enough for him to stand in.  It did its job, though, and he couldn’t wait to bathe for the first time in months. 

The water pressure was weak and the temperature nearly scalding or ice cold at times, but that was fine.  He stepped under the warm trickle of a spray and tilted his head back to wet his hair. Even with the creek baths that allowed him to get it wet, the greasy feeling never quite went away.  The gob of shampoo he squeezed into his palm was way too much, but the lather that resulted was such an amazing feeling. 

He allowed himself to smile in a small moment of happiness and continued to thoroughly clean every inch of his body until he was covered in suds.  Shrugging to himself, he transferred some of the lather from the top of his head to the hair around his dick and released a throaty groan as he itched his way through it.  Grimy jeans and the saddle did a number on his parts and his nerves tingled in appreciation. Inevitably his dick reacted and it felt too good to not use the slick of the soap and the warmth of the water to take it into his loose fist and give himself a few slow strokes.  

There were consequences to his actions, though.  He was no longer alone in the shower when every memory from the summer joined him and crowded the small cubicle.  Zac’s moans, his calloused hands, his plush but always chapped lips, his crooked nose and the curve of his eyebrow that he quirked far too often with his animated facial expressions.

It was the man instead of the teen that haunted him now and that made it harder to guilt himself away from the fantasies.  They weren’t boys huddled up together as they touched each other because it felt good. They were grown and fully aware of what they were doing up on that mountain and Taylor hadn’t once questioned whether or not Zac had wanted it.  He’d made it clear that he did. 

Taylor came from not just one, but all of his memories combined into an erotic collage that left him panting with his forehead resting against the shower wall.  

The water ran cold before he finally forced himself to step out onto the cold floor.  Water puddled at his feet and when he reached for a towel, there wasn’t one there. He sighed and used the small hand towel by the sink to dry off the best he could and then stared at himself in the mirror.  

His wet hair sent rivulets of water down his skin where the ends touched his shoulders and he knew he should get into town to have it cropped off before he headed out again.  His beard had also become a bit unruly. He scratched at the skin beneath is as he turned from side to side. It honestly didn’t look terrible but also caught and held all the dirt he encountered throughout the day.  

The small medicine cabinet squeaked as it swung open and he reached for the disposable razor and travel can of shaving cream on the narrow top shelf.  Just as he was about to fill his palm with foam, he looked back to the razor and sighed. The blades had rusted out since their last use and wouldn’t be very effective.   

He shuffled things around and came up with a small pair of scissors instead and stood at the sink chopping away at it until he looked at least a little more put together.  He wasn’t often around many people, but when he was, he didn’t want to frighten them with his wild appearance. 

He took one last look at himself– always avoiding looking himself in the eye– and was thankful to find that the few clothes he’d left behind were still folded in the cabinet sized wardrobe.  The worn sweatpants that had come with him in his suitcase when he’d first left home still fit though they were a little short at the ankles. They were the most comfortable that he’d ever owned and kept returning to them and knew he would until there was nothing left.  They were a small comfort from home when he didn’t allow himself to indulge in anything else from the life he’d left behind. 

The air in the trailer was stuffy so he cracked a window open before he sprawled out across his bed couch.  It was quiet with only the sound of the wind and the distant bellowing of calves as they came in for the night.  They were familiar sounds that came with the territory and he caught himself thinking about what comments Zac would have about it.  

They had never been city boys but rather somewhere in between.  They’d both had weekend jobs mucking out or doing small chores back home but none of it compared to life on a ranch where the activity was 24/7.  Taylor had laughed at many of Zac’s observations up on the mountain and was sure he would down there as well. 

He let out a small chuckle thinking of the remarks that would surely come and then his face fell when he remembered.  Zac wasn’t there. He wasn’t there because Taylor had left and made sure there was no way for him to follow. 

Pushing himself up in a huff, Taylor rummaged through all of his cabinets until he found a bottle of whiskey that was still half full and took a large gulp standing right there in the middle of the trailer.  The taste reminded him of the summer passing the bottle back and forth with Zac and he tried his best to tune it out. 

He could never bring Zac back to this place.  It was worse than the shack of a house they swore to each other they would leave as soon as they were able.  It was worse than the loft they were forced to share. 

Taylor had never looked at slumming it until there was someone that made him self-conscience about it.  The other ranch hands all lived the same way or worse so that had never been an issue when they were around.  Zac, though– Zac was smart. He could have the world at his fingertips and deserved it, too. He didn’t belong with Taylor in a trailer that would fall apart if the wind hit it the right way.  He didn’t belong in the life of mismatched towels and second hand shoes and jeans that had been patched so many times they were almost too stiff to ride in. 

Convincing himself of that didn’t stop the ache that crept back into his chest as it began to sink in that the summer was truly over.  He’d known there was an expiration date, had even set it himself. It was no surprise, but part of him had been in denial, had hoped that their time together would stretch on.  

The rest of the whiskey had gone down easily but nothing good ever came from chugging it down before the effects could even hit.  Ugly sobs wracked his body once he’d lost his inhibitions and took over him until he could hardly breathe. The gaping hole in the center of his chest that he’d spent years trying to patch over had been violently ripped open to expose how shoddy his workmanship had been.  He’d made himself believe he had filled it in, convinced himself it would never need repairs. It hadn’t been built to withstand the hurricane strength winds of Zac taking him by surprise and then have gone just as fast. 

His head slammed into the corner of the cupboard and his knee hit the table in his urgent stumble to the bathroom.  He barely made it before he violently unloaded the sparse contents of his stomach, acid eating away at his throat and making it painful to swallow.  There was blood on his hand when wiped his face but the twinges of pain from his forehead were nothing compared to agony of feeling like his guts were being mashed and squeezed like fingers in a bowl of mashed potatoes.  

Tears and snot mixed reminded him of what a mess he was as he laid his cheek down onto the toilet seat and gave in

 

///

 

Of all the times Taylor had thought he’d hit rock bottom, none of them compared to how he woke the next morning.  Wedged between the toilet and the wall, his hair matted with blood and vomit clinging to his beard. His sweatpants had ripped through at the knee and he’d lost his shirt at some point.  

His whole body was stiff and ached while his head throbbed and bile burned up the back of his throat.  He had definitely seen better days, that moment not one of his proudest. 

There was a moment of panic before he remembered he wasn’t due back at the ranch until the next day.  It wouldn’t be easy to find another job like the one he had if they no longer saw him as reliable. His other chores could wait so he stayed on the floor while he got his bearings, the trailer seeming unsteady beneath him.  

After he’d showered and choked down a few pieces of bread still left from the supplies he’d tossed in the truck, he dressed, slipped on his boots and headed outside.  The sun was brutal to his pounding head and he pulled his Stetson lower to block it out. With its point in the sky, it was already well past midday. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept in so late.  

Ava was already waiting for him along the fence and huffed at his tardiness.  She’d been used to being fed early morning up on the mountain and Taylor knew she wouldn’t graze enough to fill her stomach.  She was a spoiled mare. 

He patted her flank and then set about bringing her bucket over and loading in the last of their supplies.  Every last piece of it brought with it a memory of Zac until he couldn’t handle it anymore. He threw down the bottle of cooking oil so hard that it smashed over his kitchen floor and he stomped through it leaving boot prints to the door.  

He went for the saddle, unable to stay in such a small confined space.  The dizziness was still lingering but he pushed past it as he went for the saddle and headed back towards Ava.  

Even though his stomach lurched at the thought of motion, he still knew that riding was the only way he could even attempt to clear his head.  He needed to get away from the reminders, from his life that seemed so embarrassing now, from the empty loneliness that threatened to consume him.

They took off across the flat pasture that spread out to the base of the mountains.  He’d never understood how the transition from level ground to looming peaks was so abrupt in the area he ranched.  He could see out for miles until the foothills jutted out of the ground like nature’s barrier before the stairway to heaven.  

It was cloudy in the mountains and, from experience, Taylor knew that meant it was snowing up on the ridge.  They’d made it down just in time. They. As soon as he’d nearly forgotten his brother’s sudden appearance, something snapped him right back into the forefront of his mind.  His heel tapped into his horse’s side in frustration and they pushed forward at an even faster pace. 

Dust billowed up around them from the heavy hoof falls and left a cloud in their wake along the dirt roads.  The wide open space was something that Taylor loved. He could ride for hours and never encounter another human being.  When he did, it was usually another ranch hand who kept to themselves. Taylor always wondered what they were running from, what they were hiding.  Without explicitly saying so, he knew there were many of them that were laying low for one reason or another. There were just things no one talked about and no one brought it up– a mutual understanding amongst all of them.  

They rode on until they reached a shallow creek where Taylor pulled Ava to a stop to let her drink.  He hopped down and let go of the reins while he walked along the rocky bank. He trusted the mare not to run off and the gentle babble of the water was a soothing calm in the midst of such a gentle silence.  

The vast space also made Taylor feel so small.  Back at home the magnitude of what might happen if someone found out weighed heavily on him.  There were too many eyes on him, too many reasons to be afraid. So far out of civilization, it felt silly that he’d ever thought his problems were so monumental.  He was just a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand in the desert, a twig in a great forest. 

He’d brought that life trailing behind him, though.  He still felt the eyes on him when he went into town.  He still became anxious that they could see right through him to expose his thoughts.  He wasn’t sure he would ever truly feel anonymous. 

He’d missed lunch and he’d missed dinner by the time he was on his way back.  His stomach was growling but he’d needed to give Ava some rest since it had turned out to be a warmer day and they had pushed hard.  It wasn’t the carefully slow mountain steps both of them were used to. 

The sound of hooves was heavy against the ground as they rounded the corner of the small village and then around his parked truck.  

Ava let out a distressed sound and reared back when Taylor jerked back on the reins on instinct.  She nearly threw him but he fought to hold on, bringing her around to trot to a stop. He hadn’t meant to stop her short but he hadn’t been expecting to be met with the sight in front of him.  

Zac’s unmistakable figure was sitting on the steps of his trailer with a brand new Stetson on his head and a pack at his side.  He walked Ava around to stop directly in front of his brother and looked down at him from his vantage point atop the horse. It made him feel more powerful and stronger willed to sit so tall.  

“What are you doing here?” Taylor asked in a deja vu of that first day up on the mountain.  

Zac slowly rose to his feet and stared up at Taylor with his arms crossed over his chest.  

“Took awhile to find you,” he started, squinting against the last of the sunlight.  “Turns out you haven’t made yourself very memorable around here. Might as well’a been looking for a ghost.”  

“It’s a good place to disappear,” Taylor responded flatly.  

“I don’t understand you,” Zac shook his head and finally broke eye contact, looking down to the ground for a moment before lifting his head to stare off at the horizon.  “What we had? It was good. It was the type of thing people search for their whole lives. But me and you? We already had it. And all you want to do is throw it away and run off to play the martyr in a tragedy that never existed!”

Taylor held the reins as Ava shifted around, no doubt sensing the tension in the air.  

“And the worst part about it?” Zac continued with a scoff, “I don’t know how to quit you.”  

Zac shook his head as he looked at the ground before he pulled his hat off and ran his fingers through his greasy hair and replaced it.  

“I tried to convince myself that you hadn’t left because of me, that’d you’d done something and were trying to protect me.  That you were going on ahead to find a place for us and would send for me. But you’re just a fucking coward who ran as soon as you knew it wasn’t always going to be easy.  That’s life, Taylor. You can’t run from life.” 

Zac gave another shake of his head before picking up his pack and turning towards the road without looking back.  

It took several minutes for the words to sink in.  Enough time that Zac had nearly reached the main road. 

“Yaw!” Taylor kicked his horse into action and galloped after him, pulling up to a stop directly in his path.  

“You think it was easy to come out here and start all over with nothing?” he said, out of breath with anger as he swung down off the horse to stalk towards him, “You think I would have done this if I had any other choice?  Any other option?” 

“Of course you had other options!   _ I _ was an option!” Zac yelled as they got in each other’s faces.  “You could have chosen me!” 

“I didn’t want you to be with me because it was all you knew!  Because you didn’t have a choice!” Taylor screamed back, face growing red with frustration and every other emotion building up within him to the point of bursting.  

“I’M HERE NOW!” Zac screamed and then they kissing in a fiery, sloppy, uncoordinated mess of lips.  The brims of their hats collided and sent them tumbling to the ground with left them open to grabbing fistfuls of each other’s hair in fits of passion.  

“You don’t know what you’re getting into!” Taylor pushed Zac harshly, the jolt hard enough to make him stumble back a few steps.  Zac was right back on him, pushing Taylor’s chest back just as hard. 

“You think I don’t know exactly how you are??” Zac yelled and gave him another solid shove, “That you’re a pain to put up with?”

Taylor stumbled over his hat, the brim rumpling under his boot.  

“But I fucking love you!” 

The admission wasn’t heartfelt or pretty in the angry shout but somehow drew the two together in another tangle of lips and limbs that fought for the upper hand until all the fury began to drain away.  In its wake, the kiss morphed into something passionate, something desperate, something that man clung to with everything they had. Fists clenched shirts and hair and anything that could bring them closer together.  

“I don’t know how to quit you,” Zac let out in a desperate sob.  

“Then don’t.”  

Taylor’s words were like the final support in a failing dam, everything finally crashing down around them.  He let the last threads of his resolve wear through until the two of them were the only things that mattered.  

A horse whinnied in the distance, the wind rustled the dry brush and there they were together in the setting sun.  Together while their mountain looked on, always trusted to keep their secrets. 

**Author's Note:**

> [If you like this fic, here's a tumblr post! Reblog, come chat, leave me fun notes, etc. Hope you enjoyed! ](https://elderstyles.tumblr.com/post/180277437697/only-the-mountains-keep-secrets-e-10k-zaylor)


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